As I talked about in the last post, recently I have been struggling with anxiety and a non-stop mind. And much of it, God showed me was about perfectionism…
I realized that the tensions I am experiencing come because I like doing things well – I like to focus fully on one thing and do it well – and in recent years – I have been able to manage that. Maybe shifting focus here and there, but knowing the vision and sticking to it.
But now the balls are coming too fast and I can’t hit them all back and I am running around crazy trying to hit them all, rather than trying to return just one at a time. And I realize that so many of my anxieties could be left to one side if I wasn’t driven by this annoying back-seat driver who shouts:
Are you sure that is good enough for God? Are you sure you are being a good enough mother? Are you being a good enough support for Mark? Are you attending enough to those in the team? Are you investing your creative gifts enough? (Remember the parable of the talents!!)
And I swerve this way and that, breaking hard and turning suddenly, all the time knowing that this isn’t the life Jesus was talking about.
And I picked up a book about peace and even in the open pages I suddenly saw the problem. I was making everything too complicated. I had despised simple and looked for the new revelation when all the time it was in the simple – in what I already knew to be true. I actually needed to reverse. Or in John the Baptist’s words: repent.
It is not about ensuring the children learn everything they possibly could learn this year. Daniel does not need a saturated timetable of academic and extra-curricula activities. He needs a Mummy modeling a God-seeking, trusting regardless of the storms, life. Homeschool is about simplicity: 2 or 3 simple goals and working towards them. Had I asked God what they should be yet?
It is not about taking on the pastoral responsibility of all the people in the team. It is not about making sure everyone is happy and well and thriving and if they are not it is my fault. It is about simplicity: 1 or 2 simple goals each week. Had I asked God what they should be yet? No, not yet.
It is not about being a adoring, doting, grateful, sexy, helpful, encouraging wife all the time and maintaining those high, high, standards I have set myself. It is about simplicity: 1 or 2 simple intentional goals to show Mark I love him this week. Had I prayerfully considered what they should be yet? You know by now, I haven’t.
And it is not about having all the ideas and vision and blogposts and other creative ideas all worked out this week. It is about simplicity: 1 or 2 simple intentional goals. Embracing the step by step. And you know I need to spend time seeking God about that too.
And so as I keep telling myself ‘Keep it simple’, waves of peace are beginning to break, and this car which is running out of gas is coming into a pit stop. I know I need to take a moment to readjust my life. To put time into my calendar to work out what this week’s priorities are and to prayerfully consider all the different aspects of my life.
How about you? Are you in need of a pitstop?
‘A plain and simple life is a full life.’
– Proverbs 13:7b (The Message)