I am not enough
I am not enough. I do not have enough time. I do not have enough resources. I am not enough.
Recently I have been realizing how often I get held back by wanting to do the big and significant that I become paralyzed by my lack and so do nothing at all.
I look at the one talent in my hand and I think: this is not enough. I am not enough. Better to hide and do nothing.
How can I make friends with all the new mums at Kaleb’s nursery? How can I maintain those friendships whilst keeping up with ministry, community and family and homeschool life?
How can I encourage and spend time with each of my boys and Mark significantly and sufficiently each week? How can we spend time with our team and care for them pastorally enough?
How can I plan and cook healthy, quick meals for the family?
And being a perfectionist, I cannot to the extent I would like and so the temptation is to not even try and to instead hide the talent, throw away the seed and hide behind the overwhelming feelings and the excuse of busyness.
But God has been encouraging me:
Do what you can do! Let me do the rest!
So this week planning has been about the quick and simple: I made a quick card and gave it without the cake I would have liked to bake to accompany it. I took the step of faith to believe that it was enough.
I have decided to try and invest in one friendship to begin with at Kaleb’s nursery.
I set small but achievable targets for homeschool based over four days not five, allowing space for other things as time arises and room to breathe.
I have planned meals so that I cook double sometimes and we eat the same thing later in the week.
I wrote short emails when I wanted to write long ones because a short email written and sent is better than a long one waiting to be written.
I wrote a quick 5-minute list of ways the new students can help around the house for a little bit of pocket money, even though I knew I couldn’t offer them enough work to cover all their needs.
I said yes to reading a quick story with Kaleb even though I knew I wouldn’t have time to read him all the books in the huge pile he brought me.
I take 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there to clean up the house as I move around it rather than trying to get the whole house clean and tidy in one go.
And so when I hear the lie that ‘it is not enough, I am not enough’, I can remember that God doesn’t ask me to be enough - He is enough and all He asks me is to be faithful with the things He has given me and He will do the rest. I am not to despise the small, but generously give and use and invest what I do have right now in faith.