One of the things I have experienced since Solomon’s death, (and read that it is common after a loss) is an overwhelming feeling of being alive. When I first saw my living children after finding out Solomon was no longer alive inside my womb, they seemed so vivid to me. They were so fascinating – so spiritually real. Not because they were my children, but because they were unaffected by the news – they carried on oblivious to it whilst I felt like my head had been hit with a sledgehammer!
Facing death has made me realize more about what being alive means. I don’t mean in a clichéd theoretical way (‘at least I’m still alive, be grateful for that’) but that I FEEL more alive in my soul and my spirit. Areas of 
my life I took for granted before, I now see the value of. I feel like I now understand why Jesus said a man had to die if he was going to follow Him. It is only when we face and embrace death do we realize the joy and power in true life. Before Solomon’s death, I would have counted the cost and compromised on much, but now I am so much more focused on the importance of now. Choosing to be alive to and invest in as many moments as possible.
Jesus’ words no longer sound harsh and hard to me, but wise and with a hidden mystery that is only discovered as we embrace his words:
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.” - Luke 9:23-24
