Wanting to get off the Roller coaster
Wanting to get off the Roller coaster
About a week after the miscarriage life was pretty intense for some other circumstances and with the stress of grieving the miscarriage, being thrown straight back into leading stuff out here with Mark and readjusting to living life back in Peru after two months of travels led me to really question whether or not I wanted to carry on leading out Oikos with Mark. Not that I had anything else I wanted to do, or any idea of where we would go, but I felt the enemy strongly trying to get me to give up and ‘go home’ wherever that would be! If God had offered me an accelerated ticket to heaven, I may well have taken Him up on the offer!
I knew that life was not going to be easy at times. Anyone who desires to live a life on the front line and see breakthrough is also going to see tragedy and pain. Anyone who desires to live in community is going to have to learn to resolve conflict and experience relational pain. Anyone who desires to see breakthrough in their children’s character is going to have to go through the pain of bringing challenge and correction to their children. I just wasn’t sure if I could handle the roller coaster emotional ride of it all any more. I wasn’t sure if I was willing to sacrifice and die to myself anymore.
Of course, sometimes the choice is keep pushing or give up. And seeing as giving up wasn’t an option really, I had to keep pushing and riding the roller coaster.
It got to the point where it came down to this: I am still alive, therefore God must still have a purpose for me, else He would have already taken me, right?! Therefore, I need to see something of that purpose: what is the purpose of my life? What it is achieving or what could it achieve? (These were not defeatest nor rhetorical questions, but rather they were questions deeply searching to see things from God’s perspective.)
I shared my struggle with some other leaders and one of them suggested thinking about what things would be worth paying the price for.
So I wrote down each area of my life:
- Marriage
- Children
- Homeschool
- Friendships
- Worship
- Painting
- Writing
- Mentoring
- Community meals
- Time with God…
And under each heading I wrote down a list of things I would be willing to willing to pay the price to see happen.
Under many of the headings I wrote something akin to:
I want to see people (or myself) encouraged and being equipped to overcome the enemy.
For me, I would be willing to suffer in order to see others encouraged and able to overcome the enemy in their lives. That would be worth the discouragements on the way.
There were of course other things that I wrote down, but when I realized that that was one of my main heart desires, hope began to rise as I began to see how little steps to encourage others and give them tools to overcome were attainable. It also helped me focus my own resting and time with God - engaging in activities to intentionally encourage and equip my spirit to be able to overcome. Even these joy posts came out of the intentional focus of equipping my spirit to be joyful and them being something to encourage myself and hopefully others too.
As I saw the prize, those things I would be willing to face discouragements in my life for, hope was rising and it was bringing me much joy!
“The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.”
“ Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Let’s put on joy together:
Write down each area of your life and consider: What would you love to see in each of those areas?
What things would make it worth paying the price in each area?
May hope rise up in you today, bringing much joy! This is Day 10 of a 21 Day challenge to put on joy in practical ways. You can receive these posts by email by clicking to sign up here.
