Lover of God, wife, mother, British missionary in Peru... click here to learn more about Anna and this blog and how it can serve you.

My Unforgiveable Sin

My Unforgiveable Sin

My 'Unforgiveable' Sin. 

In the last few weeks I would say I have had the foundations re-done in my faith house.  It is not that I ever desired or even thought about turning my back on God, but I found myself in a some very uncomfortable soul renovations.  After I had the miscarriage I felt responsible for the death of the baby.  Whether that is true or not is really irrelevant and besides the point - I wasn’t purposefully trying to kill my child, but what it meant is that I struggled with an un-shruggable feeling of guilt for a while.  The problem was that in my head I felt like I was unforgiveable - and I struggled to really accept the truth of my salvation - that there is nothing I can do to earn God’s love and acceptance and that nothing is too big for Him to forgive.  It meant it was really difficult for me to receive God’s comfort and closeness in my grief because I felt like God was angry with me, even if I knew in theory that this wasn’t true.  It highlighted how much I must actually think that I appease my own sin - that I cover my own sinful consequences with works to earn back holiness and become pure again and this time I couldn’t do anything but just freely accept God’s forgiveness and let it flood over me.  


We generally understand salvation as a one-time event - that moment, perhaps at the end of a process, but a moment nonetheless when we make a decision to follow Jesus. Many people describe that moment as a moment of great, unexplainable joy.  Somehow, however, life begins to get in the way and that joy seems to wane.  Just as in any relationship you are in, a moment comes when you really start to question whether this relationship is worth it.  The relationship requires effort and is no longer pure joy. But that joy is restored often when we push through and when we remind ourselves of why we are in the relationship in the first place. 


There is a verse in Isaiah 12:3 which says: 

With joy you will draw water

from the wells of salvation.

Our salvation may be a one-time event, but it is like we are given a well we can draw from and according to Isaiah, it is a well we can draw water from that will produce joy in us. 

As I accepted God’s forgiveness for any involvement I may have had in the death of our baby, His joy and peace swept over me and enveloped me and I felt like I wanted to dance with Him! As I began to draw water and truth from the wells of salvation I wanted to sing out with joy.  

As I went back and meditated on the truth of what it actually meant to be be saved;  how much I was totally unable to do anything about my sin and how it separates me from God but yet He made a way for me to be brought into His Presence again - as that became real and not a clichéd saying or taken-for-granted truth, joy was welling up from the wells of my salvation. 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
— Psalm 51:12


Let’s take on joy together: 

Do you remember making a decision to follow Jesus? Why did you make that decision? What joy did it bring?

Is there a sin in your life right now that you feel is unforgiveable and is blocking your relationship with God? Will you take a moment to confess that sin and receive God’s free, unearned gift of forgiveness? 

The day I ignored God's voice

The day I ignored God's voice

The Joy of Washing up?

The Joy of Washing up?